04/01/10 - 12:40 a.m.

How do I forgive her?

It was about something stupid. But it was a lie. I mean, I guess first I need to pull back and get some perspective...

We were on two entirely different tracks. About 100 miles apart. I'd finished a morning of hard work. And there was a little bit of fate happening, since I just happened to have shut off my computer that morning, so I'd wanted to use hers. And it was that very morning after she'd walked away from a malfunctioning mouse.

So then I asked her, "How come you haven't fixed your mouse yet?" And that's when she -- defensively, fighting depression about other things, whatever -- impulsively lied to me.

The thing is, I got really angry anyways, about the weird things she was saying. (First the non-sequitor -- "It was working this morning." And then the even less appropriate "Why don't you fix it?")

If I was going to cut her some slack, I'd say that this was because she was dealing with a difficult problem of her own, and didn't have the bandwidth. It's just that the irresponsibility rolled down the hill, to her computer mouse, and then to her answers when I asked her about them.

And I'm just supposed to accept that? Well, it didn't work out that way. I got angry at the bad answers. (There was one more bad answer in there. When I suggested we "talk it out," she blew me off, saying we would but not right now. And her answers about why she said this were a little "lacking" as well.)

Maybe I should've figured out that something else was going on with her. (Even though she gave me no indication whatsoever, and in fact tried to act as though nothing was wrong when I first mentioned the mouse.)

I guess I need to separate what I was feeling from what she was doing. I was mad about how she responded to my questions about her mouse. (And how she responded when I wanted to talk about it.) The good news is at least now I know why it was that I got those bad answers. And I guess that does make it a little better. She wasn't doing any of the bad things that in my head I'd accused her of doing. She was doing other bad things.

Honestly, I can forgive lying to me - since it's so atypical of what our relationship is like. I guess. Except next time she tells me something, am I going to wonder? "Is this another one of those times where she says one thing because she's hiding something else?"

Like I said, I need to separate the two. I'm really just mad because of the bad answers I got when I asked her about her mouse, and about us talking. And it's really just one problem: she doesn't take care of herself, and then lies to cover it up. Which you could argue is really just one problem: she doesn't take care of herself.

And I decided a long time ago that I can't tell her what to do -- even about that. But I can be disappointed.