08/07/07 - 6:05 p.m.

I stared in the mirror and said: "It's two sides of the same coin."

I used to really hate it when people were negative. I began trying hard to prevent that -- acting certain ways, doing certain things. I think I was almost kind of-sort of codependent on that.

And it's the other side of the coin: that I just wasn't very connected to myself. I could point to specific things in my environment that were nudging me in that direction -- though I should probably also say it was my choice to make, and remains my choice to unmake.

Anyways, I looked in the mirror and realized that's the one big, significant pattern -- the dragon you can slay, so to speak, after recognizing it. That I just didn't allow this self-esteem thing to take root and build up. And the other side of the coin is that then you really, really crave validation from external sources.

But that's a sucker's game.