10/12/02 - 8:22 p.m.

It's been a long, weird, Saturday. I felt like I was getting depressed around three this afternoon - maybe losing too much at online games? Something in my diet? Not enough sleep, two nights in a row?

Or trying too hard to distract myself, instead of facing up to what's going on inside.

The big insight yesterday was that I've chosen - consistently, throughout my life - to tune out my surroundings. Mainly because I didn't like them. Hell, that was probably a valid plan when you're so young and impressionable. Except: you lose that time, whether or not you're aware of where you are.

And then you maintain that pattern, because you think it grants you power, protects you. I laughed to myself that it had all been a mistake. That it doesn't do anything at all, other than give you that fantasy-illusion.

It's like, um, St. Elmo's Fire, I guess. Described in the movie as an illusion which gives you hope - so much so that you're afraid to let it go.

This sounds overly pessimistic, I know. When I hear friends talking like this, I complain that they're being too down; and I worry that it's their biochemistry talking.

So, that being the case: I don't know where I'm at right now. It seems to me I'm the happy sort with my charming delusions. One too many? Would that be so bad...

Or is this just a new ruse that I use to avoid growing up. The old ruse was to say that this change was far too mammoth to undertake quickly. Now that it's so close to the surface: ah, do I really want to do this?

Okay, this diary entry is actually making things worse, not better. Until next time....