2/18/02 - 9:52 p.m.

Grey today. And rain forecast for tomorrow. I thought, as my job ended. A day earlier than they'd told me last week....

Grumph.

That wasn't even what I was most upset about. Saturday night -- two days ago -- I'd been out with my friends, and we re-visited a quarrel we'd had online the week before. We didn't resolve it. I acted out an exaggerated hostility that I'd felt coming towards me. And then suddenly I really did feel angry. And it didn't go away. Biochemical anger?

I'd already felt that twinge of depression because I had no cash. So it was probably not a good night to be eating carbohydrate-heavy foods like leftover Chinese noodles and chocolate-covered raisins -- and then guzzling beer. I've been warned those all can trigger emotion swings. But from that moment on, I couldn't stop feeling mad. I kept it to myself, and eventually politely said goodbyes and went home. But I took the long way; maybe the exercise would help. Then I stayed up until 3 in the morning, hoping it would change my mood.

But there were still lurking pools of anger Sunday, and even Monday at work. I just have to avoid those friends, I decided. Maybe it's just my time to get mad and break with my friends. Now that I'm getting that special attention from Lady Friend. I've been down this train of thought before. And then my boss told me my contract was ending today, not tomorrow like they'd originally planned. Another twinge of depression, on top of the rest. I spent a few hours being edgy, angry at things like the lines at the grocery store.

And yet the moods would temporarily clear -- every time I thought about Lady Friend. I'd smile. I'd sigh.

And when I got home, she had sent me an email. We haven't seen each other since Thursday. But maybe coffee tomorrow?

I called her. We scheduled. Coffee tomorrow. And I got to hear her voice.

Lady friend.

Smile.

Sigh.