2/16/02 - 8:37 p.m.

I came in the door thinking "It's raining. God, I hate rain."

I was already feeling kind of down and disempowered, walking around the used record shop but knowing that I couldn't spend any cash -- for the next six days! I've got hundreds of dollars coming, but until it shows up...I have fifteen bucks in my pocket. (Plus $5 in quarters.) There's also $5 in my bank account, if I can find a branch of the bank that's still open after I get off work. Yes, it's come to that. That's why I was at the used record shop trying to sell six old CDs...

It turns out that they're nearly worthless, and I only got fifty cents apiece. And I had a brief flash of depression. I'd walked around looking for things to buy, and there was a cool live-from-Vegas tape of Frank Sinatra. And then I found myself worrying; could I afford six more bucks to buy two bargin bin tapes? Even though I was just going to use my credit card, it re-activated all those old feelings of powerlessness. And then when I stepped out the door: it was raining. And I'd left my umbrella in the car....

That was the low-point. Well, that and when I began yelling to myself at the two pedestrians who'd wandered into the crosswalk, pinning me in the intersection with a bus behind me...

But the tape was nice. I got home to my funky little apartment and put on dry clothes. I ate yummy warm leftovers from Thursday's Valentine's Dinner. I put on happy music. And I have more work lined up for next week. I began to feel better....

It is stupid that I've done a full week's work, and I have still more work lined up -- yet I don't have any cash in my bank account. It's also reminding me why I hate holidays. My check will arrive one day later because everyone gets Monday off. If the restaurant that takes credit cards isn't open, I'll have to scramble around for someplace else to eat without spending scarce cash resources. Holidays add one extra complication to my life...

Ah well. I find that getting negative and sarcastic doesn't help my moods any. I counted up my change again, and discovered an additional $9 in dimes, nickels, and quarters that I hadn't counted the first time. That brings my cash total to $37. Better; much better.

Maybe I'm just tortured by ambiguity. My work contract keeps getting extended for one more day -- which is great, I love the extra work. But it's hard to plan what else I can and can't do if I can't know my schedule in advance.

Plus, even though it's been a week since that fateful late night kiss, me and Lady Friend still haven't had a chance to talk. Except for a wonderful Valentine's Day date, of course, but even then, we talked about everything except where she sees our relationship going.

She doesn't like talking on the phone when her children can hear. But when I asked her Thursday -- when we were alone, in her car, saying good night -- if there was anything she wanted to talk about, she said no. No email from her Friday, either, though late that night she did send a response (which I saw this morning). It apologized for her inability to be open and gushy, even in email, since she'd been working so hard. It almost seems like we actually talk less now, since she wants to avoid pinning down exactly what it is we're doing.

But I've always said I'd be satisfied with two years of having coffee together. That after that, I'd certainly know whether or not I was in love with her, and she'd certainly know whether or not she was in love with me.

If I can maintain that long-term perspective, all these short-term annoyances would become irrelevant....