07/04/11 - 10:44 p.m.

I just wanted to relax. At least that's what I said. But I've realized that I have to deal with my problems -- or I can't relax.

Somewhere along the way, I realized a hard truth: I couldn't trust my parents. And I actually knew this as a kid, and as a teenager. My second problem was I had very few resources. This fed into my third problem - that it was hard to escape my untrustworthy parents. But my first problem was still making that first mistake: ever trying to trust my parents.

There's one conversation I remember. And tonight I see it with new eyes. It was the same old narcissistic abuse I'd recognized before, and for years - when I was a kid and a teenager. A friend of mine once said the "hierarchy" persists - that abusers' first instinct isn't to let go of their control and power. It's like a closing scene in a sitcom. "Still the same ol' Gilligan." Or something like that...

It's good that I've recognized that. And it's good that I've typed it out, too.