03/02/08 - 1:38 p.m.

So, yeah, I can actually pinpoint clear moments in my life when there was a decision made to not try from there on out. I can even remember what it was like before and after those decisions.

I'm writing this down, because I want to remember it. It's within my power to change it, after all. (I've heard the same thing said about people who are in 12-Step programs -- that they have to recognize what were their decisions so they'll realize they have the power to change them.)

It's not like the reasons back then still apply to right now.

I actually have a lot of good stuff going on right now. So, shouldn't I be trying? Just for one example, I could be going after that woman I know -- or after any woman. As another plus, I'd also feel more completely independent -- from my family, maybe even from the need for help from others and the world around me. And that could be the thing that lets me, then, not be so distrusting of strangers -- since I'd know I'm self-contained already.

Anyways, this is important. I wish I could give this idea some more structure. Maybe I just need to find some way to get really really excited about this potential for change.

Say it again... Maybe I just need to find some way to get really really excited about this potential for change...