01/01/08 - 2:17 a.m.

Tonight I started looking back over the last few years. (I wasn't planning on doing it on New Year's Eve, but it just all happened to come up today.)

The big insight I had was this. I used to run my life by simply expecting things I wanted to just be there. So I bound into new situations (and new cities) with enthusiasm and openness. I'd have to be friendly and earnest - since I was so far out of touch with where I was [and myself]. That kind of put me at the mercy of the people around me. ("Unilateral disarmament," as it were.)

What's a shame is I always thought of myself as bright and creative and wonderful and with things to offer. For real. I still, objectively believe that. So in that sense, I had reason to put myself out there like that.

And I don't feel like that was sufficiently well-received.

I was so confused about what I was supposed to be doing at my last job. Part of that was they were geniunely disorganized. Part of that was I didn't really have the particular skills and experiences they wanted. I spoke to the human resources guy about it, but that really didn't do anything. (The head of our department always had other priorities. Which, actually, was another part of the problem.)

Is this good? Is this useful and helpful, to get all this out? The classic "long conversation, into the night?"

I'm reading something I wrote in 2005, about my girlfriend in 2000. I wrote (in 2005) that it was sad to read emails about how excited I was to have the girlfriend in 2000. Because I'm not as open to that now.

And that's something I did to myself, of course.

Bitterness, disappointment. Those are probably melodramatic words - and they're pessimistic words. "Stress" might be a nice neutral post-modern word for it all. Or just being out of touch with myself.

Maybe the real problem was I was too in touch with myself. I wanted to have my child-like enthusiasm. And there was no place for that in a disorganized workplace. Even genunine interest in working hits walls.

If I knew more about work, I'd say that I didn't really work that workplace very well. But it wasn't very well-defined. And I did try. I just never got a solid grip.

I couldn't talk to my team lead. Even when we'd talk, I mean. I couldn't open up and say "I'm having trouble with this." (She was the closest thing I had to a boss, after all.) She ended up judging me by little things (like that time I came in late) instead of relevant things (like the work I did on various documents).

Bottom line, you didn't feel like everyone thought that they were on the same team, and they'd give you the benefit of a doubt. Which is, obviously, what someone with a child-like enthusiasm expects.

And what then? Do you say "It's naive to want that from a workplace?" Or say "Bravo, for valuing yourself and your desires for your environment sufficiently."

"You're too wonderful - too brilliant, and too happy - to crawl into all that." Even if it's not a corporate tomb -- that would probably be an over-the-top way to describe it -- it's okay to not wanna be there, not wanna do that.

Maybe I should say that again...

It's okay to not wanna be there. And to not want to do that.

It's okay...

I need to tell myself that.

You just didn't want to do that. Probably why I kept slipping out to work on the web.