02/18/07 - 11:38 a.m.

My new goal is to congratulate myself when I pay attention to myself. "It's relaxing to be lying down." "Good eye! Dude, way to be in touch with yourself!"

I wanted to write it down, so I'd remember that that's what I'm doing. ("Smart! Way to document your aspirations!") I do this inside my head, so it won't be as annoying as reading it. ("Ah, your wonderful head! You do so much good work in there...")

Actually, I do feel good about my head. New job interview coming up. ("Woo-hoo! Way to line up new prospects!") It does give me a new perspective on things; that's one of the things that gets me in touch with my feelings about the current job. ("Better late than never.")

It's obvious that some part of my stress must be coming from that. Yet I'm afraid to stop this not-paying-attention at work. Because if I did, I'd...what? ("Come on, come on, you can do it...") Well, partly they all know me as the not-paying-attention-and-friendly guy. But they're not that important to me, so in theory I shouldn't be that important to them. A famous saying: You wouldn't worry what people thought of you if you realized how RARELY they thought of you. And, honestly, my whole experience at that job probably bears that out.

Still, I'd feel better if I had some resolution. (Like, I will pay attention?) No, NOT like that. That's it; that's the thing. I don't want to pay attention because -- I DON'T LIKE THIS JOB!!!

In general, when I have to do something I don't want to do, I just try not to pay attention to it. Ideally you'd have enough control of life that you wouldn't get into situations like that.

I look at a satellite photo of my neighborhood. I like this little town so much. It's a shame I've got these things -- that I'm holding myself back.

My date just got pushed to Monday. I have all of today free. I wish - I hope - there's something I can do... Get back in touch with myself.