5/27/02 - 9:09 p.m.

For Memorial Day, an old friend came to visit, and we spent the afternoon together. Ordinarily I'd be Mr. "entertaining host," but I was just too tired and frazzled. So I opened up instead. We said the first things we thought of, and talked easily until it was time for him to go.

And then I was on my own again. It was good to be back with myself, but I also felt a pang of something. Probably loneliness. I found myself telling a stranger on the internet about feelings I had for Lady Friend. There were times in the past where I mistook lonely feelings for love. I was wondering if Lady Friend was another case of this.

"Keep after her" the stranger advised me.

But what I think I feel about Lady Friend -- and what I plan to do -- keeps changing. For the last few days I've been re-visiting the last time I saw her. I learned some things about her -- but I didn't like how it went. I think some of that is just me reacting badly, though -- and the rest is a thing she does that I can walk around from now on.

I'm still sorting out how I feel about her, and what I think I should do next. Saturday I wrote that I needed to spend less time with her until -- what was it? Until she's ready and "available." But at other times I decide that it's good for me to have these secret hopes. To have hopes. The stranger advised me to tell her how I feel. But of course, I need a solution that's much more complicated. And, well, I do need time to get my life more together. And time to get to know her better. And, of course, she says she's not available now....

I was feeling a little lonely this afternoon, so I called " Bachelorette #2" -- we're still friends -- and had a good conversation. About our favorite movies, maybe a project together for the future.

That cheered me up.

And then -- Lady Friend sent me an email.....