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5/25/02 - 8:34 p.m.

Lady Friend hurt my feelings the other day.

It's one of the things I'm learning about her; her indignantion over certain topics. And how very unavailable she is these days -- to anybody. Now that we're getting to know each other, maybe I'm finally getting a more realistic picture...

Well, and there's always the fact that she could be so callous to me, which kind of indicates that she's not taking me as seriously as I'm taking her. A setback on the "secret hopes for the future" front.

I tell myself that if you loved someone, you'd take it all as part of the package. Like that speech Billy Crystal gives at the end of When Harry Met Sally, where he lists all the things Meg Ryan does that annoy him, saying that he loves her for them. And if love were given a chance to grow, then, yes, that could probably come to be true. But falling in love has already been pushed off into the indeterminate future. I think I'd need to see less of her now, in the present, if there were going to be any chance of me having some good to leaven the whole good-with-bad package.

I got a full-time job. Though I've had full-time jobs before, I never really took one like this -- where the job just plain seemed like it'd be fun and different. It would take care of all my bills, and that would be enough, and I'd just live life for a while. Suddenly I'm feeling more independent. Yes, I miss the free time -- quite a bit, actually. But I'm not sure it was good for me. Endless malingering; shouldn't you at some point be out doing something?

Getting up for work at least rousts me from that stupor -- and makes me feel in control of my finances. And that gives me hope and confidence. If I can do this, then I can do other things -- maybe someday make much more money at another job. Maybe someday follow through on creative projects. Maybe be a normal human being with a normal life.

Maybe date like a normal human being.

Which, yeah, would pretty much shuttle Lady Friend off to the sidelines.

I've always fallen hard for soft, sweet voices. Maybe if all this newfound initiative settles into my personality, I could form realistic appraisals of the people I'm meeting. And have a real life going when they met me.

I started to write this paragraph earlier tonight. It's a little harsh, but I'd started to explain why this whole initiative thing is such a big deal. I think somewhere along the line I'd given up on myself. On my feelings, on being able to fulfill hopes and expectations. A lot of the time that just left me wandering through life like a numb zombie, seeking sensation, distraction, and whatever pleasure I could still feel.

I guess if you live long enough, you eventually snap out of that.

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