02/15/2024 - 3:01 p.m.

Journaling is good, they say.

I think the thing I need to do next is say it, out loud in a sentence. I was emotionally abused.

I mean, I still feel raw. An old, dull rawness. And maybe part of the problem is it's not something that a man is supposed to feel.

But my parents were just uniquely detached. (I tell people sometimes that I think my dad may have had autism.) And then my mom was just playing a role, not really a whole lot more warm or open...

I don't really like thinking back on it. So far away; you want to tell yourself it's all over and gone for good. But imagine being really young -- 6, 13, whatever age... Spending your time just trying to fit in with that messed up family.

And then, at some point, being yelled at.

Yeah. Bad.

The "good news" is now I've flushed it all up to the surface. So I can feel it today. The advice I've gotten is to breath, identify the feelings... Get clues about what to do next.

I'm thinking I'll just listen to some chillax music for now....

Because I've got to get back to work.