08/04/22 - 6:55 p.m.

So, I had an insight. Maybe a little one, but it kind of casts a long shadow. Years ago I had a big showdown with my older sister -- and then, also with my father. And I realize now that my sister was really on the attack. In ways only an older sister can be. (Sometimes I even think she had Asperger's syndrome -- that fierce, stubborn, refusal.) That teenaged meanness, with an adult's resolve. I just don't think people can imagine how aggressive it was.

But my insight was that: I knew it was kind of a show. Not that I figured that out now; I'd even known it at the time. But back then I'd decided that the best way to calm her down was to act like I believed the show; don't challenge it. Don't give her any reason to rile up even more, just to play-act even more how totally serious she'd wanted to appear. I guess it's the kind of magical thinking you indulge in when you're young and a little rattled. And the only problem is, when I look back on it and remember it -- I think I've always still been a little afraid to admit that it was pretty much just a show. For fear that somehow she'll find me and deliver another one, and you wouldn't want that -- and, magically, you can protect yourself just by not ever admitting what you know.

And the thing is, the same insight also applies to that showdown with my father. The magical thinking kicks in -- oh no, need to dial this down, quick, act like you believe all this, then it won't go any further... I heave a sigh now, looking back at that weight I carried. Years later I'd tell myself that I only felt bad because they were trying to make me feel bad. But the crucial insight is realizing that even I knew it was a show.

The only way that it worked was because I let it work. But like they tell anyone from a dysfunctional family: your reaction is what's under your control.

And you can pick a different one.