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01/02/18 - 1:31 p.m.

I've had some real insights. When I was young, my parents really were "in over their heads." They were basically kids themselves. But instead of living in that void, I tried really hard to pretend to be something they'd like.

After years of that, I really wanted to stop. And I did in fact stand up to my parents. The problem is when my dad came at me with a hurricane of disapproval, I thought it'd help if I just tried not to think about how little I thought of him. (Why antagonize him more, if I just wanted to get through this conversation?)

The problem is, I needed to be thinking of why I was doing this. You can't unilaterally disarm yourself like that, and hope it'll do some good. I've spent years since trying to "get back" my original feelings -- my reasons for standing up in the first place. They were always there. But it took me a long time to get them back.

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