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05/02/15 - 10:37 p.m.

Mad at my girlfriend again. Or something. Humiliating night. And she wouldn't let me talk about it...

It was one of those B.S. nights where she wants to spend hours with her friends. "Oh, it's Mary's birthday. We should all go out for Mary's birthday..." So at the end of the night, six hours later, when we're driving home, mad at each other, finally talking about it because the stone-cold angry silence wasn't working... It's then that she reveals, "What, I thought you knew that everyone pays $60 whenever they go out for dinner. It's just assumed!" (What's the implication there. "You ignorant, impoverished peasant..."?)

I think the real problem is she likes to escape in these moments of luxury. And to also be completely reckless and not think about money at all. But I do think about money. It's not a problem per se, but it does put us in these situations where she's blissed up on luxury -- and also, completely oblivious to how upset I'm getting.

And it's a nightmare to resolve, because her first response is always "Why can't you enjoy this reckless and unfunded luxury with me? Why do you have to be such a buzzkill?" And then it's followed by unspoken (or spoken) recriminations about how I don't know how to handle myself in these (unfunded) situations. Like I'm the problem. Like it's my fault. Like I'm genetically lacking something.

She's the one with the problem.

*      *      *

About 1 a.m. we talked more. She admitted this was weird and wrong - that it was an old behavior from a past relationship. Then, unburdened, she went back to bed. I, on the other hand, am still awake at 4:21 in the morning...

It's probably the anger that's keeping me awake. (Although it'd be funny if after all that money, I still just didn't get enough to eat.) This was a disturbing night in a couple of ways. I realized I can't rely on my girlfriend's judgment on socializing. And I think I also realized that I don't really like her friends. I can't just relax and be myself with them -- and honestly, I'm not sure my girlfriend can either. They're the kind of leftover friends you get when you used to throw a lot of wild parties, and then stopped. The left-behinds, the weirdo's -- but never anyone who had ever been there for anything except a party .

Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Nah, I know why I can't sleep. It's because I'm worried it will happen again...

Because she defines them as "friends," and I can't stand them.

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