12/09/13 - 4:36 p.m.

Maybe I've traced it all the way back. I used to play games and distract myself and try to be happy because things were miserable in my family. My dad was really needy, so if you actually could lose yourself in a TV show or a movie, I counted that as a survival skill. (Since I'd managed to find contentment in that dysfunctional family, implying that I could make it work...)

The problem is that over time, you end up thinking of "entertaining yourself" as an actual survival skill. And I told myself today that it was okay; my dad's neediness wouldn't need some kind of magical fix like that any more. I reminded myself of what I'd once told a woman from a dysfunctional family. "I'm sorry that happened, and it won't happen again." But it's weird - you have to let go of the extra grip that you held on "being happy". It won't keep you safe; life requires actual intervention sometimes for it actually work.

The thing is, once you've done that for a long time -- well, you need to start re-thinking your personality. I tell my girlfriend to compliment by saying I'm a guy who gets things done. Unfortunately, my diet ends up making me super-tired sometimes -- and at that point, I don't know what to do.

And this really all came up because I was trying to figure out why it was so stressful when I moved to that new city years ago. And partly it was just because I kept thinking "being happy" was going to smooth the process somehow -- so that I had to put extra pressure on myself just to counteract that, to overcome my tendency to want to just try to be happy in times of stress. Then that extra pressure was stressful...so it was a battle royale. I'd like to remind myself that I actually am able to do a bunch of stuff - and I'm not in a dysfunctional family where that's unbalancing or infringing on anyone else's narcissism...it's okay now; totally okay.

And with that, I'll be able to just go forth and do things. So there won't be that extra pressure needed -- and there also won't be any inclination not to go forth and do things, which before you might have to fight against.