06/12/12 - 9:58 p.m.

I feel guilty, and I can't really figure out why. Maybe I just ate too many acidic foods tonight -- spinach, raw carrots, lots of water -- and it feels like worry in my stomach. But no, I think I'm just having trouble because I "uncovered" some unpleasant memories, and also some hard truths, once I see things with the benefit of hindsight...

It's hard to tease out exactly what happened, but tonight I saw things more clearly. I decided an old friend was probably not as loyal as I thought. Or, maybe, that they were just so neurotic that we weren't really having a normal relationship after all, and they'd pulled away early. That still feels bad, but you have to remind yourself that it's not really about you.

And then, of course, there's dinner. It gets in your stomach and muddles up all your feelings. Making it hard to keep that clear understanding, as you're marching into the painful memories. It's like somehow, my self esteem just jumped down a notch after dinner, and it might just be because of that confusion. (Although maybe I just waited too long, and got some kind of low blood sugar?!)

[UPDATE] Although maybe it's just the pain of remembering how my life used to be before I had a girlfriend. Looking for affirmation in random people, because what else did I have? It's sad. The good news is it probably won't happen again, just because I'll never be quite that desperate and needy again.

There've been times in my life where I wanted to leave everyone behind, and go and make a fresh start. And honestly, I think I had good reasons for that. Maybe this is just one more case where that's also true...