09/25/11 - 7:37 p.m.

I'm "angsty." I woke up feeling nervous, so I started on some paperwork for the IRS. At some point I realized I was out of cash -- in my wallet, and at the bank. And, also, in one of the bigger accounts where I used to get extra money.

You could read too much into that. It's just a matter of shuffling things around. Things are out of kilter because of a big dental bill - and because the money I've earned just takes longer to get to me than I'd like. (With just a few days, none of this would even be an issue.) The end of "bigger account" could be an emotional thing. I've had that account since the early '90s, but today I finally closed it.

Maybe I just clamped down on my emotions about that too soon. I always told myself I'd never let it drop to zero -- and today I just did. I've told myself that I'll pay the dental bills now, and then earn it all back at the higher-paying job I'm going to get next year. But that's what makes this "angsty" feeling such an issue. I get too nervous to do the studying and work I need to do now...just to keep that plan in motion!

So I need to get it all out. "Closed! That account's gone! I've gone low enough in my cash balance that you could eliminate one account altogether..."

I am so depressed. I guess it's just: my money's gone. It's not - I tell myself that. I need to believe it, though. There were moments today where I did. I hate that it blips out of focus.

Maybe it was just too many things going wrong all at once today. And I should ignore the first two -- empty wallet and empty bank account. And I always knew the bigger accounts were getting low. Maybe the angst isn't about the facts so much as the surprise of the facts - that I was out of touch when this all went down...