10/17/10 - 5:48 p.m.

So I found this "vein" of old depression today. I remembered something that happened a few years ago. And then I'd asked myself what I'd do if it happened today.

I got depressed. But I went through it a few more times, and found some new perspectives. I'm depressed because I didn't fully stand up for myself in that argument, years ago. Or I'm depressed because I walked right into it - even though the other guy was just determined to be abusive. I think I finally decided that I'm depressed because I put unquestioning faith, both into that guy and his other friends at his web site. I've done that a lot - with jobs, with dreams.

But ultimately, my goal was always to get someplace where I could have "the perfect childhood." Where everything goes right, and I learn to trust and hope. And I decided right now that it's better to go into that with eyes wide open. You're more likely to get a positive outcome.

So it doesn't need to be the result of blind faith. It's a little childish to expect it to be perfect. And in the event that you get into a situation where people are being abusive - well, now you have options.

My usual thing is to ignore their anger and just try to address the substance of what their angry about. But if someone is determined to be abusive, you aren't ever going to get to the end of that process. Another option is to simply walk away until they cool down. Or, to leave the community permanently -- you don't have to stay there forever.

I think "ignoring their anger" makes it easier to stand your ground - but it also ties your hands into understanding what's happening. I think maybe you should *recognize* their anger, without in any way surrendering because of it.

I am a little depressed because I "let go of" the argument of the abusive guy, rather than insisting I was right. Though I still think I was right, just like I did then. But I also learned that that guy's a jerk, in the *way* he handles conversations.

Honestly, you could feel a little sorry for someone who's abusive. Because chances are they've experienced that themselves - that they don't have the calm self-assurance that lets them deal with others in a calm, rational manner. At that point, you tell yourself your need is just getting out of harm's way. Which I did - by avoid that guy, and his web site. And, I also learned a valuable lesson. That things go better if you actually get engaged and try to get what you want. Rather than hoping to find a land where everything's perfect, so you won't have to.

That's probably even a better way to learn the life skills you'll need. Playing at working things out, before it's a really crucial situation.

I've also been guilty of that in other situations - having a blind (and misplaced) faith that I'll be treated fairly. But I guess that also tells you something about the relationships I've been getting into. I've experienced respect with my girlfriend. Now I know to demand it in my day-to-day interactions as well.

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The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm upset because I didn't stand up for myself. I thought the guy treated me badly. And he didn't answer my e-mails when I tried to sort it out. But when I raised that in our argument, he came back with some rhetoric (and aggressive anger). I backed down - albeit in a passive aggressive way. ("I'd thought [this]... But okay, if you think [that] then I apologize.") Once someone even called that "the weasel's apology" -- since the word "if" appears in the sentence.

I guess my thinking was to just get beyond the technicality, since I wanted to talk about the larger issue. But that wasn't being fair to myself. Because I was upset about the way he'd treated me. And yet I just dropped it. So it's still got me wondering what would happen if it came up again.

Another new thought, though. You see this in movies sometimes: someone just can't stop themselves from going back to an argument. Knowing that it's going to end badly. Abusive people create their own perpetual drama, until: you recognize that they're not respecting you, and then remove yourself from their sphere of influence.

Honestly, I think that's a sign of maturity. To realize that not everyone are going to be cool to hang with. Knowing you have to make judgments...