09/28/10 - 10:00 p.m.

I feel better if I remind myself that "It's not about me."

It's also helpful to remind myself that that was also true the last time I got shouted at for hours by my sister. And, for that matter, the time before that.

I've come to an awareness of just how... very... dysfunctional my family was. I'd responded to it by telling myself to act as if I believed things were okay. That may or may not have made things go more smoothly - but it does make it harder for me to understand/recognize what was going on, even in retrospect - at least until recently.

Now it's pretty clear just how dysfunctional everything was. I asked myself how my sister got so crazy. And then I realized just how rotten my parents were to leave her so desperate and crazy in the first place. And then I asked myself if I'd ever been left feeling abandoned - and, yeah, it did seem sadly clear.

But the point of this entry is I feel better if I remind myself that her anger and aggression really isn't about me. That should have a freeing effect...

The other thing I've been trying to do is tell myself not to worry about the next time she might show up. And somehow I took a weird fork when guessing her next move. Although I always end up angry every time I try to imagine it, her next move might be: don't ever come back. Because last time, she only stayed long enough to leave a phone number before fleeing. It sounds like she got the message that she's unwelcome here. The door's not going to be opened. The police might be summoned.

Really bad idea to bang on the door and shout.

If I really, really believed that, then I might worry less.