09/27/10 - 11:33 p.m.

I have a worry - an anxiety. It creates a joylessness. I'm depressed because I have an amorphous threat which I'm having trouble resolving.

In x number of weeks, I'll go before a judge, and hope he issues a restraining order. But ironically, at the hearing I'll probably have to see the very person that I want restrained. I also have to worry that they'll hire a lawyer, or that there'll be other unwanted family members in the audience.

I don't know the answer to that. Can I send a lawyer in my place?

But mostly I've been going through the arguments in my head that I'll make to the judge. I don't know what to say. And I may be up against an expensive lawyer - hired just for spite. I guess that's just torturing myself with what-if scenarios. After all, earlier today I was declaring it a victory that I'd even launched the restraining order process. It was complicated - but I stuck with it and got it finished. A temporary restraining order will be issued tomorrow.

That should make me rest easier. But I'll probably still worry about the court date. I guess the thing to do is to focus on me and my needs. I will be safe for the duration of the temporary restraining order. And whatever happens during the court date, it will be in a court of law, with a bailiff present. And there should be a (permanent) restraining order in place after the hearing.

And that will be a good thing. Maybe I should "keep my eye on the prize." It will be nice to have this in the hands of the law rather than dysfunctional relatives and my ability to hide. After all, if this experience has revealed anything, it's that dysfunctional relatives are inherently untrustworthy.

And I do like the idea of "sending a message" to the remainder of my family.