09/20/10 - 12:15 p.m.

I... I'm trying to arrange my insides.

I get angry at the thought of someone coming around and ignoring the fact that I want them to leave me alone. But I think it's messing me up to think I have some power to change it. And I realized what I really had: the power to think that I had the power to change it.

I really liked that "power to think I had the power." It's quaint. There's a pathos to the fact that I clung to it. But I guess it doesn't work - at least, the way I'd been doing it, by restructuring my feelings so they would work their magic effect. Realizing that doesn't work makes me disappointed. (For what it's worth, I can feel my hopes sink.) But I guess that's just cold reality settling in.

Well, I do have the option of moving. So maybe I just need to realize I don't have a magical power, but I do have other options. Honestly, if I were living alone, I would probably move. There's also the problem of the one-year lease, but if I were living alone, I'd track down a subletter.

My girlfriend says we probably will move, and it's just a question of when. So maybe I should tell myself that the obvious solution is within my power, and that it will happen within the next few years. I'm not sure I was crazy about this apartment's location, anyways. And, the dishwasher doesn't work very well.

Plus, my girlfriend is looking for jobs in new states. So that could solve the problem, too. You never know what the future will bring.

And I guess the real problem is it's hard for me not to get tugged when family members re-appear, demanding attention. I think that's what I hate most of all. I want to get rid of that tugged feeling. My old solution was staying out of sight, plus other magic "internal" solutions. But I guess I can keep out of the family without all that extra drama I was adding.

It is a terrifying situation. You're a 7-year-old child, living in a dysfunctional family. And the weird part is when you get out, then they hunt you. They stalk you. Maybe I'm just trying to make it sound more dramatic. But it does make me mad. Or, maybe getting mad is the right solution. Because at least it's a real emotion. And emotions are what lead to solutions.

I tell myself there's love from my new girlfriend, and that it's stronger than any tugs from my past. I should have faith in that, maybe...

And earlier I'd written down another thought. Maybe the best revenge would be not thinking about it. Not making any changes in my life.