09/18/10 - 4:33 p.m.

I don't even want to talk about the angry buzz in my head.

My girlfriend had a quarrel with me last night. We went to bed angry, and then when I woke up she'd left for the (planned) weekend away. Great.

And what really sucks is, right before we'd gone to bed, I thought we'd found a good place to leave it. I can accept, I told her, what you said. She said she had issues from past relationships. That explained just about everything. I suggested we leave it there and go to sleep. And then -- my god, I can't believe this -- she woke me up and said she wanted to talk some more. And specifically, that she wanted me to apologize for something which I didn't need to apologize for.

That's what just makes me bonkers. I didn't need to apologize for it. Any outside observer would back me up on this. She comes out of the blue with this crazy demand -- which is totally going to torpedo the nice little detente we've reached. And then, like a fool, I try to explain to her my own feelings on this. Figuring that she'll, you know, understand and accept it. Silly me...

I could probably deduce the explanation for all this, too. I think it all comes down to the fact that in her last long-term relationship, the guy used to yell at her. So now in times of stress, she has a really incendiary reaction: "This is all your fault." I've seen it. When she gets out of the stressful situation, she'll say, "Oh, yeah, sorry I said that. I was stressed. It totally wasn't your fault." I guess the right way to handle it is to let it slide - even though I'm right - because she'll just take it back later anyways.

Okay, but that's not what I did. Silly me, I thought instead that I could talk to her. You know, about how I feel, and stuff. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. She shut downs - fear from her past boyfriend, remember? And then she a.) Isn't able to communicate. And b.) Will say anything.

I guess. I mean, she never actually said this. It's like I'm doing both parts of the conversation. Maybe that's my real problem: "My girlfriend can't communicate." So we can't talk about problems. Earlier in the evening she just left me angry - because what else could she do, since she couldn't communicate. And then when I tried to communicate, thinking that would help, she wasn't really able to do it. She couldn't explain what was going on on her end - couldn't articulate it, couldn't even recognize it. And, of course, she especially couldn't tell me that she now couldn't communicate...

Of course, her weekend trip added an extra layer of stress, because I didn't want to leave things on a bad note. But guess what? Because she can't communicate, there's really wasn't any way to have any kind of impact on that through, say, conversation.

At least it makes sense - which is better than where I was last night. (Angry that she was consistently not listening to my feelings or what I was saying...) Of course. She can't listen, because that's a communication skill, and that's part of the "things she can't do" (because of unresolved issues from her past boyfriend. Again, she never said any of this. I have to also deduce what her half of the conversation would, hypothetically, have been.

I guess what I can do is stop walking into that buzzsaw. "Wait a minute. She isn't talking. So there's no point in my, um, thinking I have a girlfriend who will talk to me and understand. Because I don't." Er, okay, wait, that had started out as positive advice, and then turned sarcastic...

If I had realized she wasn't communicating -- on my own, because remember, she can't communicate on her own the fact that she can't communicate -- then I could just recognize it as the hopeless situation it is. Instead of making myself even more angry by trying to talk to Insane-arella.

I guess you could say I'm disappointed. (It's like one day she didn't even bother to show up for the relationship.) But also, I'm trying to figure out what I do next time. What do I do when she gets home? I look at her warily; maybe she's all tired from the trip, and says she's too tired to talk, but promises "We'll talk later." Then I'll have to indicate that I'm still angry, and will be until we sort it all out.

Or I guess I'm supposed to not still be angry, since I've already figured it all out on my own. Okay, but even if I do that, what tack do I take in approaching her then? "I figured out which brand of crazy was coming up on top this time around." I guess it's two questions: what do I do the next time I see her, and then what do I do in the future?

Because in theory, if we talk about it we'll ferret out what the problem is, so it won't happen again. And I was trying to talk about it! So the nasty byproduct of her inability to communicate is that I don't get the bittersweet comfort of "resolving" it. I don't know, for sure, that she's going to respect me next time -- after all, I'm just guessing at what's going on on her end.

This not communicating thing is really going to create a lot of tangles. Um, so I guess I just have to resolve to have a good talk with her later. Isn't that great? To have a painful conversation looming over your head for the next 24 hours, because she's out of town?

I guess that actually does make me feel a little better. The answer is "deciding that I can't go forward until we eventually talk this out." That seems to contradict what I wrote earlier - that I shouldn't step into the buzzsaw. Maybe 24 hours from now she'll actually be able to hold a conversation again.

You know what? That's a really unsatisfying place to leave it. Maybe that's how I'll start the conversation. "Left me hanging for 48 hours, wondering if you would regain the ability to communicate upon your return. Because I really didn't know." That is just a major breach of trust. And I don't like it.

Like I said, I can unilaterally guess at what I think is going on on her end. But I still need her to at least agree with that, so I can move confidently into the future knowing that we figured out what happened, and that she's clear on what parts I don't like. And of course, I can't tell for sure what she's going to say - even though I sort of need that conversation in order to get past this.

So in the meantime, I'm in a holding pattern. 1. Dreading the conversation. 2. Hoping she'll be able to communicate better when she comes back than when she left. 3.) Hoping she and I can figure out what was going on, so I can get some assurance that she's not going to do it again.

I guess I should have some faith in that. Maybe this falls under the broad category of "Let it go." If I have faith in that, then I don't need to keep repeating everything from yesterday. Since - faith would assure me - it'll all get perfectly resolved, to my satisfaction, when she comes home.

And in support of that idea: to be honest, it was strange and anomalous last night. So that does seem to be the kind of thing you should let go, because it's not typical or a pattern.