09/18/10 - 7:38 p.m.

It's funny. Earlier tonight I was thinking about people I'd known as a teenager. I'd walked past a class reunion, and remembered what someone once said. "We all went through the same experience together. That's something we shared. So we should check in on the people that we knew."

But, I decided, my real problem was that we didn't share the same experience. I'd had a dysfunctional family - a uniquely private problem. So, no, that didn't apply.

And then I'd asked myself, what about my brothers and sisters. Now it occurs to me that part of the problem was it wasn't exactly the same, since we arrived in the family in a different birth order. And I specifically thought of my sister.

I decided that she hadn't extracted herself from the dysfunctional family. So it didn't apply there, either. I couldn't share the insights and revelations that I'd had.

I've been pretty clear on this for a while. I think it was a few months ago - when I first thought my sister might have my address. I decided that didn't even matter, because psychologically, I was out of the family already. And they didn't mean anything to me. So if they showed up one day, I'd already be really clear on that.

I feel sad now. I think it's as much that I feel like they're disrespecting what I want. And I would really like it if they did respect that. Calling out my name, showing sadness and desirousness for my attention - those are all disrespecting what I want...

UPDATE: I just called the police department.

UPDATE 2: I slammed the door in her face. That's the thing I feel best about.

I think that tells me how I really feel.

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about what-I'd-do-IF... But it was positively decisive, the way I handled the situation.

And I think that comes from really clear feelings. There's an old saying. "Little man whip a big man every time - if he's in the right, and keeps on coming."

What I don't relish is the idea of having to be ready-for-battle at every moment... I guess maybe the emotion is the readiness. I used to say to my girlfriend, "They're going to do what they're going to do. And then I'm going to do what I'm going to do."

I thought about it for just a second, and I figured that my sister just wants the attention she never got from her parents. And she flashes that around - it's the strategy she learned very early on when she was young - in a blind hope it'll get her what she wants. I think that's the biggest thing - I did have to listen to the calling out. But I have a mind, and can determine what the motive was.

Maybe I should go back to reading that book I was reading on the porch. UPDATE 3: I explained it all to a police officer. And he heard me, and it ended the way I wanted. I should take solace from that, too. [A bit later...] See, the problem used to be that I worried I wasn't strong enough to stand up to them. So I avoided them for a long, long time, until I got it all together. And now, all these years later, when the showdown comes: yes, I am strong enough. I guess there's some solace in that, too.