04/25/09 - 1:59 a.m.

I think all my troubles started when the stock market crashed and I racked up credit card debt. But the real problem was I didn't trust myself to go out and earn money to fix the problem. (And I never did figure out how much of that was my problem, and how much of it was the lousy economy.)

Anyway, the point is that it was because I didn't trust myself that I'd make these weird deals. Like, "You don't have to think about dishes, or bills, or anything - because you're already working eight hours a day." At some point the idea of not-thinking-about-things became an actual strategy. I told myself that not-thinking-about-things would be relaxing, would maximize my chances of surviving at the job, etc.

So it turns out there's some downsides to not-thinking-about-things. And the most specific one is stress -- because sometimes it's your own feelings that you need to think about; or your own problems. Then you're not going to think about those, either -- they're in the sink with the dishes.

I got really bad about that.

Anyway, I'm able to realize that now - see that my stress is coming from just not paying attention internally. And if I can let go of that whole thing -- that not-thinking-about-things philosophy -- there's some good stuff that should follow.