02/26/09 - 7:16 p.m.

I think there's a sadness in me. I was trying to "meditate" -- I've never done it, but it's supposed to reduce your stress. And as soon as I sat real still, I felt like there was some sadness that wanted to come out.

I got sad just when I remembered how I used to be in the early 90s.

And I think I know what it is. In the early 90s, I had a tight grip on my feelings - so you could argue I wasn't really in touch with myself. But in exchange for that, I felt like I had these magical abilities that came from gripping my feelings tightly. I could channel the dissatisfactions into other pursuits.

Now I try not to do that.

And I think maybe I miss that power.

Maybe I need to grieve it's release...or celebrate the arrival of a day when it's not needed.