10/30/08 - 10:01 a.m.

I'm starting to recognize my childhood.

I ignored how I felt -- because that allowed me to seem satisfied with my parents. It was a tactic to get the most positive attention. (And it also enabled me to ignore the negativity from my older siblings.) For added effectiveness, I did it all the time -- even when I was at school. It didn't really occur to me that there was another way to "organize" your personality.

This was really unusual, I think, by the time I got to college. Everyone else knew their own selves pretty well. They'd see me, bravely putting out jokes and moments of enthusiasm. I think a lot of them spontaneously decided to overlook my obvious insecurity (if they weren't actually responding to the personality).

I wanted to stop doing it. But I honestly wasn't sure how to deal with the real, physical reality of my parents.

Or: how to support myself. (Part of ignoring my feelings involved overlooking the precariousness of the support around me.)

Recognizing it is the first step towards beating it.