02/20/08 - 5:57 p.m.

Okay, there's something wrong.

I'm looking out the window into the back yard, and it feels good to be here -- writing this, and looking out into the back yard.

But I have this worry...

That's why I'm here. I don't think I'm handling it right. I just have some new work. In theory I should be really excited about the work, but I'ved moved on to a different kind of work. Maybe that's a lot of it -- now I'm ambivalent about the job I'd applied for back in October and finally got.

Why can't I just admit that to myself? "I... don't... want... this... job... any... more."

I guess I'd convinced myself this new gig was better. In some ways, it's not. (It's not a fun, roll-your-own kind of online blogging gig or anything. It's more about listening to legal proceedings all day long.)

"All day long." Maybe that's the problem. The truth is, I'll start out at, what, 12 hours a week? That's almost nothing.

In a way, that makes it worth. Since it's nothing, I tell myself I won't be doing anything. And that creates worry, since I'm obviously ignorning the new job/responsibility I've already committed to taking. Even with the once-each-week chance to "opt out" of more work... Maybe my real anxiety is that I won't "commit" to this job, enough to do it.