08/31/07 - 7:11 p.m.

So I had a useful insight today.

When I was 15, I did all kinds of stuff. And part of that was the philosophy. I didn't know whether I could do this particular thing, but I thought I was bright, and if I wanted it, and I tried real hard, that was gonna be enough.

Now I've adopted the supposedly "adult" strategy. It's not trying or wanting -- it must be done. So I tell myself that I will be that thing that can do it, and ignore any weak parts of myself that don't fit that equation.

Among other things, this is limiting. Once you are this thing, then you really don't want to go through the same rigorous process just to be that thing. But it's also inherently self-invalidating. It says you're not really good enough to do any of these things on your own; you have to make yourself into something else (that can do this one thing). And god help you if you think try to apply it to something else.

Part of this might be that when you're 15: there's more margin for error. But for whatever reason, there's also more self-confidence when you're fifteen.

I think there's another way to tell this story. Tonight I was washing dishes. And I remembered -- I remembered -- how self-confident I was when I was 15. And I decided to adopt that self-confidence as my new strategy...