04/11/07 - 11:29 p.m.

"I never should've moved..."

Those words are so powerful. I said them today, and they started to un-do the last two years. Why so powerful?

I never admitted it -- that I was unhappy. Never let go of those fantasies (about the move) that I'd cultivated in order to pull it off.

Such a bad caretaker of my life and my feelings. That isn't how it's supposed to work.

I just didn't have enough faith in myself, I guess -- that I could support myself with a job I actually liked.

Ironically, that's what I would've been going after in college. Had I not: turned my back on myself. It was that pattern, again and again. I believed that it worked.

No one would tell me that it didn't.