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04/06/07 - 4:52 p.m.

So I had a hot date last night.

A lot of people use that phrase ironically, but I mean it literally. Bedroom, nudity, and a lady who's probably the best kisser I've ever...kissed.

And that spooks me a little.

I know, it's lame. But even in this cycle of growth, the one thing I haven't really "matured" about is dating and making out and all that. I got shut down by the last woman I had a first date with -- and her argument was I got too "into her" when she'd never been as into me. Kudos to me for being brave enough to pursue another first date. (Although I miss the fierce intelligence of the woman who turned me down, a little.) But I feel like my manly/artistic isolation is being threatened...by how much I enjoyed the "hot date".

It went from 0 to 60 in, like, two hours. (I asked her if we could get to know each other more down the road.) But they say when you're coming out of a dysfunctional space, you need to withdraw altogether in order to keep from repeating bad patterns. And sometimes I wonder if I've just flushed to the surface all my old unmet childhood needs -- which, ironically, is just making me horribly irresponsible and unsure of myself.

That's my #1 goal. I want to get back to my old confidence, and (if possible)...my old health! (I've been working out at the gym.)

So, where am I at now? (Besides really sore -- from working out at the gym.)

That, really, is my biggest problem. I'm too irresponsible to set goals, so I never actually get to a point where I've answered my questions and matured to any useful level.

Er, and on that note, I'm going to go waste some time on the web.

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