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04/02/07 - 2:53 a.m.

Friday night: I kiss my date!
Saturday night: Date finally ends
Sunday night: Date says kissing me Friday was a mistake

I'm not sure I have anything to say about it. I'm here because I've decided my goal for the next six months is to be in touch with myself. My job won't interfere with that, and I won't distract myself with online games. So in addition to working out regularly: whenever a situation comes up, my goal will NOT be to find a happy distraction. It will be to find the contentment and satisfaction that comes from simply hearing myself.

That's why I'm here. That's why I wrote that first paragraph. I figure by being here, I'm giving myself that opportunity.

I worry that I'm telling myself I don't feel anything. When I do. If I'm really in touch with myself, then why am I not feeling anything?

I imagined myself talking to my old counselor tonight. A little abject, but it would be the place for that. And the line I kept coming back to is: Where does she get off?

There's two people here. So 50% of the consideration is mine, by rights. And this is obviously weighing on my harder than on her, and it's by her agency, so to speak - her actions are creating this situation. So I am, in fact, entitled to...

Okay, maybe that should be the first tip-off. I'm using big fancy words instead of just coughing up the emotion I'm feeling.

One of them is anger, but that's not the primary one. But it's a start. If you tug on the thread...

I'm mad.

What the f*ck, lady?

You could argue it's a kind of real-world compliment. I'm so irresistible, women who don't want to date me can't resist kissing me.

I mean, yeah, you could tease through the nuance of it. Maybe I should've paid more attention to that when I was in the moment. I just thought I'd have more time, a better sample to work with later. It's like a project you start, but then never finish.

I like the music I'm listening to....

And, honestly, THAT is a sincere reaction. "I like this music." I think I miss the space I'd created for myself, where I was getting in touch with myself. And the process of dating this unappreciative she-creature was interfering with that.

This is ironic. I'm actually missing the days when I used to be isolated but happy.

I could consider the possibility that maybe I shouldn't be so quick to write off potential friends.

Ah ha ha ha ha.

It's funny. I think I'm over it. But then I write stuff like that. So -- hooray; a victory for the whole process of getting in touch with myself.

Mostly it's just flat-out rejection. And that was partly due to a lack of empathy from said she-creature that I probably should have spotted. (Isn't it customary to say at this point that "You're a great guy, but...."?) Couldn't muster that. So, yeah. It was handled poorly. Next time there should be better planning; maybe hire a caterer.

This is bitter humor. Oh my god; she was the most bitter person I ever met. Is this how it gets passed on?

That actually is a productive insight. Because in the 24 hours we were "together" -- ah ha ha ha ha -- I was priding myself on being the cheery sunshine that would offset that.

(I just imagined a bitter conversation we'd had if she ever called me back. Progress!)

Actually, at the end of all that, I realized that, really, I didn't like her that much. No, really. It was kind of a drag to get this condescending noise from her. ("I feel I need to explain to you that your interest in me is, of course, much much larger and greater than any possible interest that could be had in YOU....") But let's not lose sight of the fact that I was trying to get on her good side, to get something going, by putting out a lot of positive vibes that went beyond what I was actually feeling. (Sad, but true.) I thought that was good date-manship. And it probably was. It's just that I was playing in the wrong league. The bitter, never-going-to-actually-have-a-successful-date-with-anyone league.

So, yeah, a man of my caliber and dating talents really shouldn't be slumming like that.

Oh, no. Not a man like me.

Damn straight. I need to go find a beer commercial to watch now.

Actually, there are so many things that I do, and do well. (Writing snarky Diary entries, for one....) That it shouldn't be the end of the world.

In fact, like a couple times in the recent past, I probably did invest too much, in anticipation of a positive result that never came. Stupid world, for letting me down.

No, I mean that. I'm too brilliant of a personality, shining with joy and energy, for any of the world's mundane buzzkill. Buzzkill-ishnesh.

It is true that I could explain to her -- that I wasn't really that into her. But honestly, there were a lot of genuine failings in her personality that made this a shipwreck worth getting away from.

Anyways, it's a good exercise -- knowing what you feel. Sometimes it's not even as bad as you think -- what you feel is actually a good feeling that's under a small bad feeling that you just need to get past.

Imagine that.

Something to think about...

I'm off to check the online personal ads.

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