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10/28/06 - 11:45 p.m.

I can't figure out why I'm depressed. I don't want to do the things I'm supposed to do, I guess - the things I said I was going to do.

I talked to a friend this morning, and it stirred up a bunch of feelings, so maybe that's part of it. Maybe this is all progress, and I'm just resisting it. One day at a time?

I'm starting to lose faith in the new plan.

When I was young I used to take a lot of confidence from my ability to control my feelings. When I'd get in a difficult situation, I'd find some thing I could give up, and that would give me that illusion of control again. And I'd assemble it into a plan.

I think as an adult, you're supposed to be able to avoid those tight situations. Know that you yourself can take care of yourself. I used to feign an inability/disinterest in doing that.

Lately I've been asking, who, then is the real me? And what will I then want to do? How are you even supposed to find the answers to that? How does anybody?

I think the answer is just to strike it rich.

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