07/08/06 - 12:08 a.m.

A woman I dated years ago now has a porn site.

I spent tonight looking at pictures of her naked. She's married now. Her husband took the pictures. It's kind of a cool story. A while back I sent her a "thank you" email - for sharing the URL for her naked pictures. Although she never wrote back...

That's all entertaining, but it's a distraction from today's real frustration. I worked consistently today - no goofing off. My doctor gave me some medication which really helped the sleepiness at work. And fortunately, they're so disorganized that they don't realize how much time I already wasted. Or maybe I just work really fast, but I'm getting caught up, and can feel like I'm on schedule.

No one really cares, though. Half the deadlines I get disappear before we reach them; half the stuff I finish doesn't even get reviewed. Today in the weekly meeting I felt like my manager was just politely ignoring what I said. It made me worry I'd said something useless; that maybe I need to say less in weekly meetings.

I probably should've just stayed grounded. You could argue that workplaces are tricky, because your rent is all tied up in your job security. My counselor told me that I should assume positive things instead of negative things. (And I pointed out that I do make a lot of wrong assumptions.) And there may be healthy "alternative" ways to deal with things. Like...paying more attention in meetings.

I'm paying more attention to work -- just not to the people in the meetings. I got away with not paying attention for so long, I kind of set that as my baseline. I guess I'd need to find the thing inside of me that wants to move beyond that.

It's late. Time for bed.

Or - to look at those pictures one last time...