07/02/06 - 2:44 p.m.

I feel better today. I lay on the bed this morning and just thought about things.

Now I'm wondering if I should take a long walk today - for the sole purpose of forcing myself to do more thinking. Or maybe I should make a point of just letting it lie for a bit, and wasting time doing something else instead. (I'll call this strategy "Video games are good!")

It bothers me that I don't make the most of these long weekends. In truth, maybe all that time to myself scares me. But if I don't use the long weekends to deal with this stuff, when will I deal with this stuff? I tell myself it's gradually getting better, and maybe it is. But sometimes I worry I'm losing things, too. Leaving things behind...

I went and saw a doctor about problems I've been having, wondering if there's a physical cause. That's probably wishful thinking. I also rounded up a list of counselor phone numbers, but haven't actually gotten around to going to see one. I probably will, but I guess I want to wait until things mellow out a bit.

Now I remember. That's one of the things I did this morning. It was a long imaginary conversation with my last counselor. (Although - see? I'm already leaving things behind.) Why can't I remember things?

Anyways, I'm going to resist the video games long enough to go to the library. I don't know what I'm going to do after that.

I'd also told myself I should go to a comedy club. Maybe it will inspire me to start telling jokes again.

And I need to start paying attention to myself more, too.