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05/29/06 - 5:48 p.m.

This is my first entry from an off-site terminal. We're barrelling into the 21st century, people! Soon the internet will be everywhere! We'll have no concept of "net access." There'll be dialtones in our chairs.

I spent today enjoying my new town. A leisurely three-day weekend, just strolling around, admiring the pretty houses and considering the spiffy shops. I went home and lazed around - and then came back out to enjoy the town some more. Later I may take a walk in the three-day weekend evening.

I actually came here because I had a thought I wanted to capture. (Ooo, look. I'm writing more quickly than usual. I'm going to call that a good sign - that I'm free of things that used to hold me back...) That thought was...

I used to say I wasn't going to think about things. The towns I left behind. My counselor said that doesn't really work; that all those memories and feelings are still locked up inside. I knew something was wrong; I conceded that she was probably right. But...

Lately I've actually been pursuing that idea. I think I replace unpleasant memories with the idea of some larger, greater happiness I can accrue. (If I only don't think about these things.) The trick is: to fail. To give up. To concede; to lose that game. And: to forfeit that prize.

Because, really - that's where that hidden cache is. Those feelings and memories that my counselor spoke of. Today I've actually felt them. They're me. I used to like me. I used to like my memories; there was nothing I'd declare off-limits. And I need to stop doing that.

Me, me, me. It's what's for dinner.

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