05/01/06 - 2:40 a.m.

If I lived by a beach - in Polynesia, say. A tropical paradise, with warm sunny sand, and the sound of waves crashing...

Then could I relax?

Could I go to bed and sleep contentedly? Or would it be like that time I went to Disneyland when I was freaked out about the prospect of unemployment.

This is one of those cases where your friends would say "You know the answer to this." Both scenarios make the same point - the desire for peace, but the need to be in touch with your concerns as a route to that peace.

I'm laughing at something stupid I found on the internet right now. Maybe knowing that I can laugh is a good sign. Or maybe I'm getting better gradually, and I just don't want to admit it.

Tonight for the first time I remember the wrong turn I made in 1980. You can re-visit wrong turns with different perspectives, but this time I think I got it right.

It all comes down to being able to take care of yourself - so you don't have to run from your despair. Eventually you develop confidence and faith in that.

Which would be why I'd say I need to go to bed now.