03/19/06 - 12:16 a.m.

Even if someone disagrees with you - your aim should be to reach them, so they come around to seeing your point of view.

I remember getting yelled at by my sister. And, for that matter, my relationship with my father was "unproductive" too - too many rulings handed down from above.

I just needed to say that. Saying it here gets me to verbalize it. It sets a new level of acknowledgment.

I am, now, where most people are at 18. (Or 22). I've got my first real job - or at least, I feel all the things that go along with that. It's meaningful and productive to get in touch with my feelings now - since I can call the shots, and make things happen.

My other big insight over the last few days was that I had a bad habit of trying to cordon off parts of myself to try to achieve a specific goal. I think I may have LEARNED that from my father. An internal version of "rules handed down from above."

It's funny, because I can get mad and blame my parents for being bad. But as the 12-Step people point out - that's a cop-out. Saying that means you yourself will never ever do anything to make it better - because, hey, it was some external force that caused it all; over which I have no power. Besides, how could you undo the past, anyways?

But at this point any lingering problems are originating from within me - from the things I do, and did, myself. If I admit that I'm doing them - another necessary "acknowledgement" - then I can see them, recognize them, and...STOP doing them.