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10/28/05 - 9:18 a.m.

Sometimes it feels like I don't have any real friends.

My best friend is always tired and flaky. The woman I started dating doesn't seem that into me, either. My other best friend is really busy...

Maybe I'm just bummed because I went to an after-work event with the guys from work. Those are always boring.

I've been down ever since... Well, and also, things aren't "safe" at work. I thought we'd settled the chain-of-command issues last week, when I complained about who they put in charge and they agreed and said they would hold off. Thursday he starts acting like he's in charge again, anyways. Will they remember and back me up a week later? Will we have to re-fight this again? And then, later, again?

I didn't know about the office politics when I took this job. I just want to go in and DO my job. Everyone else does too - except this one jerk, and that power void that beckons to him.

The music I'm listening to is nice. But it sucks when you wake up a little depressed - and, yet, you still have to go in to work. I could call in sick - I've been saying I'd do that anyways. I think I'll hold on to that for later, though.

My flaky friend is coming to visit this weekend. Maybe stay for the entire weekend. And yet we had a minor argument on the phone last night. Partly because my friend is flaky - I hate it when I'm so glad to be talking to my friend, and then their cellphone gets fuzzy, and then they disappear. I called back. We talked some more. I'd been about to say "I'm glad you're coming down here" when the phone went dead again.

My friend used to be really into me. We were into the same things. We've still got things in common. I made the mistake of reading emails from five years ago. I wonder if we're just gradually drifting apart, or if my friend is just flaky and lazy because of physiological things.

I wish I could make them care more - but I know the answer. The only way to impress someone - the ONLY way - is to be yourself. That's how it's gotta be.

I'm gonna do it my way, like Sinatra.

I haven't been doing much of that, though. I've been - well, I don't even know what the words are for what I've been doing.

But I blew Thursday night with the guys from work. And, worse, when I left, I didn't really feel free of the bummed out-edness I felt. That part's my fault.

Well, this diaryland thing helps a little.

Maybe I'll promise myself I'll come back tonight and write more.

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