12/26/02 - 4:56 p.m.

I've really enjoyed having some time off this week. I'm getting things done - at a slow, leisurely pace - and seeing friends, too. LadyFriend called me. I have a date with another woman. And even AntiProfound came back and posted again!

Two things are bothering me. First: it's winding down. And I don't want it to. I've been pondering why, exactly, it is that I hate working so much. Besides having worked as a self-employed contractor for so long. Maybe as a kid goofing around was more important to me, because I was trying to take my mind off problems I had with my family. Now letting go of free time would mean having to finally face up to that....

The other thing bothering me is I don't know if I'm going to get this new job or not. And yet it's already got me thinking how much I hate the current one. Maybe I should just resign myself to becoming a gypsy, thus eliminating the need for any job whatsoever.

One thing I've learned: if you stick with it long enough, you can eventually find a new job to try. And, actually, it's the same thing with dating, I guess - if you look hard enough, eventually new prospects appear on the horizon. I hate thinking so clinically about this, though. I want my life to be happy. I've heard it said that instead of having a happy life handed to you, it's better to just know that you can handle everything that comes at you - and be satisfied with your life and yourself already. Um, but that's just someone's new age head game. I'm just not there.

The best trick I've come up with so far is writing in an online diary...