4/23/02 - 2:50 p.m.

I've been doing nothing, lying on my bed. The last few days have been just a big lump of time....

I'm remembering things -- or, re-remembering them. It gets physical sometimes, with actual pangs of release popping in my head. Sometimes my brain actually hurts. And my body twitches.

I've cleared a spot, then, for going back and looking at what's there. When I was 8, when I was 14, when I was 22, and on through the years. Telling myself it's better now. And recognizing who I really was then -- even if I, at the time, didn't know.

It's difficult sometimes, but it's ultimately a good thing. Seems like an important thing to do, so I'm not working....

You're the first people I've ever tried to explain this to.

Last summer I drove around the state where I grew up. I had the same feeling then. I was completely anonymous, but still felt more connected to those long ago moments. And somehow, being back there in that same state also made me feel connected. I'm not sure that makes any sense, but writing this in this diary -- anonymous me, sensing an unseen audience of anonymous readers -- I feel the same kind of implicit connection.

That's about all I have to say today. I may go and rent a movie. It's what I do when I need a break from all the thinking. Though, honestly, I'm not even sure how much I'm enjoying that anymore -- the novelty wears off. I'm actually been trying to make myself watch more TV. Lying down feels good for my body, after all the twitching. Lately I always feel like I'm fighting a cold.

And it's still sunny outside....