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4/01/02 - 6:27 p.m.

The desire to date, to see a counselor, to cling to Lady Friend. Aren't they all just attempts to get away from the pain? Even today -- surfing the net, downloading music, watching TV...

No work today -- but that's just as stressful. Wondering if I'll suddenly be called to pursue the almighty dollar. It all started when I found another snafu with my health insurance today, which bothered me. I got a handle on it before emotions spun too far out of control, then ate a good healthy low-carbohydrate meal, went exercising in the sunshine, and reminded myself it wasn't important.

I think I'm just extra-volatile because I'm finally sorting through all the abandonments and betrayal over the years, instead of continuing to ignore them. Which is a good thing -- long-term -- but it does create these mood swings. "One day a time," I've heard it said. One day at a time. Okay. But this would be easier if I knew just how long it was supposed to take. Guess I'm not supposed to ask that. Just have faith in the path to better-ness.

Whatever....

My relationship with Lady Friend has been almost non-existent this last week. Gaps in the email, questions about whether she still wants to spend time with me. I guess it is kind of weird for her, that I developed this oversized emotion for her. She kept spending all that time with me -- and yes, I read it wrong. And she is really special. So, that's how that whole situation developed. Someday I'll probably look back and complain that she could've done more to set things right. Though maybe that's what she's doing now.

Anyways, I probably did want more from her than was good, even for me. Been trying to sort through it over the weekend. I thought maybe I should start referring to her as Lady pal. Not sure where we stand now, but if anything it's taught me not to count on her being there. Which is probably a change, just in itself.

I need to get out more. Maybe I'll eventually meet some nice people.

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