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3/12/02 - 6:59 p.m.

Lady Friend promises we'll have coffee sometime this week.

In other news, I've started answering online personal ads....

It's a little tricky to reconcile those two statements -- or to place them in context. I might enjoy the act of dating, though emotionally I'm not even sure I'm ready to connect to another person.

And even if it just turns into sex with an anonymous online stranger -- I've also got doubts as to whether I really could follow through with that.

Being unemployed for so long actually eliminated alot of distractions from my life -- and I used the time to begin picking away at my past. I think I inadvertently discovered alot of leftover pain from my family. That may explain why I have these sudden bouts of anger that don't go away; any bruises or slights tap into this much larger already-internal reservoir, and boom!

Boom.

And it's kind of depressing to see your whole emotional system taken over by something like that....

Until I get a handle on that, what am I even doing trying to arrange dates with online strangers? I either think that any deep, internal deficits could be soothed at least a little by the warmth of a one-on-one conversation with another human being. Or is it the feel of skin against skin I'm after? Either way, it's for the same reason.

I'm just not sure either will really work.

But no matter what funk I'm in, I still smile and sigh and feel warm inside whenever my mind strays back to Lady Friend.

And Lady Friend promises we'll have coffee sometime this week.

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