2/21/02 - 4:26 p.m.

I got dumped yesterday.

The woman I've been referring to as "Lady Friend" called it off. (Hit the brakes, however you want to say it...) I just remember her beginning with something like: "This is hard for me to say. I don't want to hurt you..."

I think it was ultimately harder for her than it was for me. I spent alot of the time petting her on the back -- though probably as much for me as it was for her. I told her graciously that alot of the good feelings I had for her carried over into a friendship; that that's what I'd thought she'd wanted all along. That I'd been surprised when she kissed me that night, swerving our relationship into a 10-day detour as almost-lovers.

I'm disappointed that she wasn't where I was. Who was it that said it's like being a trapeze artist who swings off a trapeze, only to find their partner isn't there after all to catch them...

I'm wondering if I should just continue mooning around over her -- but secretly. I still sigh when I think about Lady Friend, and can't figure out if it's the satisfaction I get from her sunny presence, or if it's a peace that comes from feeling caring towards another person. I should brood, I told myself. But she's so warm and sunny and I enjoy being with her so much. I've said nothing but gracious things.

And anyways, the mistake you usually make in a situation like this is to try, suddenly, to forget everything you ever felt about the person, since obviously those feelings aren't leading anywhere productive. Is the opposite more productive? All along I've wondered what would happen if I just had coffee with her for the next two years. At the end of that time, the calculation went, I'd have to know for sure how I felt about her. And if there ever was a chance she'd love me because of who I am -- well, she would have had that time to discover it too.

My logic could be flawed, obviously -- thinking my feelings for her inevitably increase the likelihood there'll be corresponding feelings in her. That there'd be someone waiting to catch me on the other trapeze.

But it feels better to go on feeling for her -- feeling for Lady Friend. I told her she'd always have my undying loyalty. And when I asked her if she didn't want to see me ever -- she specified no, she's just not ready now.

Lady Friend, Lady Friend.