05/16/12 - 3:22 p.m.

I think I've been writing this diary for more than a decade! And today, I've been looking back over my life. I worry that -- unlike most people -- I had a below-average instinct for taking care of myself, or for "pitching in" and being responsible when things need to be done.

On the surface, it'd be from my childhood, when my dad used to yell if I wanted too many things. I came up with this plan to let him handle things, on the theory that then we'd get along. I kind of regret that now. I mean, it may have bought my some extra peace in my childhood. But I also developed bad habits which I'd need to get rid of later.

Also, I wonder if that plan was just the plan that I wanted to adopt anyways. And if so, it really is just young me finding an intellectual way to rationalize a certain amount of childish irresponsibility.

But I came here to write about all the times I did work hard. I drove across the U.S.A. I read American history. I learned geeky skills - though, yeah, I never sold them in the marketplace. I don't know, I'm not feeling this. Maybe I'm not doing this right. I need to feel that I'm responsible and able to step up when things need to be done.

But the problem is, I hate remembering moments like that. ("Remember when you struggled through finishing your tax return last year? Good times!") I dunno; how does one develop better working habits anyways?!!