7/08/02 - 5:32 a.m.

I finally had some time off from my new job and its crazy hours. All that time to myself. First chance to really look at my new financial independence. And what it means...

I had a crappy childhood. Well, it wasn't bad in conventional terms. My parents were just immature. And we moved alot, which compounded things. What made it bad is that at some point I decided I'd just try even harder to conform to my parents. It sounds crazy, because I proudly proclaim what a non-conformist I am -- everywhere else. That was because I felt like I'd "beat the system" at home, though.

Ultimately, in the long run, that's not a good thing, though. You don't really get the "parenting" that you want.

With the Fourth of July holiday and the weekend -- all that time on my hands -- I picked over the loose threads in my head. I realized some specific things -- things that probably were true for other children, but that weren't true for me. I think, having done what I did, I went through years and years, really, not considering for a second that it was possible to just be who I was, and have that be okay with my parents. In fact, it got worse as I got older. What was I supposed to do, say, "Okay, actually, I've been pretending to be someone else for years now. But I'd like to stop."

It's a classic dysfunctional pattern, I know. And holding this stupid new job means I really really am financially independent now, and free of that whole cycle.

But, see, look at where that goes. I turn 13, and I start thinking about dating. It wouldn't even occur to me that there'd be women who'd want to be with me because they liked me how I am. Sure, as I got older, I learned to date -- put on the nice shirt, make small talk, say all the right things. But, yeah, it doesn't lead anywhere productive, really -- anywhere fulfilling...

I got older and older. In theory you could say I learned little things along the way, and slowly "healed up," or whatever you want to call it. And if I break out of all this and have a normal life, does it really matter how old I was when it happened?

But it's just alot to deal with. Alone in your apartment, you wake up and say "Gosh. So, my parents didn't even know me, really." And then you look back on all the people you knew, flawed decisions you made, the weird relationships that followed exactly the same pattern. This should be a good thing -- ah ha! I'll never make that mistake again.

But -- ah well. I've got a mountain of self-realization now to work through. And I wasn't happy about it, really. I avoided it all day Sunday -- playing computer games on the internet, and trying to only think about it a little bit at a time. Went to bed early, and got a good sleep. (Oh the dreams I had...) Woke up this morning trying to think what I could do to make this easier -- and came up with emailing a couple friends, updating my web page, and posting to my diary here. Thank you for reading.

You know, for all the problems I had interacting with people, the internet really did turn out to be a good place for me. With that protective barrier of cyberspace, I could write things online. Even if I wasn't always opening up about myself, I still got to have an audience, getting some attention for different reasons. If it didn't involve 100% honesty -- it didn't involve 100% dishonesty, either. Thank you, internet.

Having this diary to write to made me feel better. Now it's time to see if I have any friends I'll be able to email about this -- in the few precious minutes before I have to head in to work...